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The truth.

People always say that no matter how hard or painful the truth is, it has to be confided. I believe in that. I am the type of person who always accepts and understands things, no matter how hard or painful it is, as long as it is the truth. Nobody wants to be lied or cheated on, right? The most painful part is, when you learned the truth by yourself and having the triumphant feeling of being so true about all your past speculations. But is it really a victory? Learning the truth by yourself? Or is it as painful as burning in hell?

There are things that is very easy to accept and forgive but there will always be things, that’s so challenging and frightening to accept and believe in. Yes, you might have learned the truth, so what’s in it for you? Does the truth from the past still matters as if it’s happening real time? A mistake done by the past does not make it any less of a mistake in the present. Just because it has passed, it will be passed. No, whatever’s done in the past can happen again. And again. And again and again and again. If you were lied and cheated on in the past, yes it is possible to happen again in the future. How sure am I? I’m not. But the “trust” has been demolished this time.

Why am I writing about these? Simply because, I can relate. I have been bothered with my emotions and I have no one to talk to and nowhere to run to, to cry my heart out. Thank Heavens, for blogging. I don’t know where to begin in the first place. I didn’t want to publish my personal life but let me just cry this heart out in here without being particular, can I? 

I have been being bugged by a question in my mind ever since I learned a painful truth. – “Is it still worth it?” Everyday, every single minute, I ask that question in my mind but I don’t seem to get an answer to that question. But somehow, it made me realize that I need to think it over, alone and still. I have my own plans but situations seem to replace it with doubts and pain and even second thoughts. I honestly have no idea on how to deal with this b*lls**t. I honestly don’t know where to start but the things coming in my way are giving me signs. Signs to let go, go some other ways and things like that. But more questions are popping in. “Are you ready?, Are you sure?, Is that final because there is no turning back?” – Escape? Is escaping the right thing to do? Or will I be a loser if I escape? Fight? Should I fight for it? Do I have enough courage to fight for it? Is it worth fighting for?

I have been in a similar situation before, it happened so fast and it was really painful. Being surrounded by the people I love helped be get over it. It took time, yes it did but after the storm comes a rainbow. I know it I will get passed this storm too, but what am I really afraid of? I don’t know. I find it really hard that everyday, every hour of my life I have to deal with a painful truth yet no one seems to notice neither give importance to it. 

I’m losing the fire and I am no longer willing to light it up some more. There are too many things to reconsider and I find it not worthy of my sacrifices. I just hope this will be done soon and I will become a better and stronger person after. Regardless of how this will end up, I’m sure this one’s another lesson in my life that I would be most thankful for. So God, may Your will be done.

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Fear. Justice. Revenge. Suffer.

I can’t express how proud I am of having this tattoo. It just reminds me of all the sufferings I have been through in life. It’s a simple way of looking back and remembering how much I have grown and learned, how much I became stronger and how much it taught me to stay close to the top. So whenever people try to bring me down, I just look down and smile… Because I can never be pulled down unless I’m on the top. I’m with God, I should fear no one.

So I posted this picture wanting to tell everyone the true meaning behind these inks.

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Blinker – symbolizes fear. Everybody has their own greatest fear in life. Mine is not having the most basic love and attention from my loved ones. But I know God will never be that selfish. I should fear no one but Him.

Weighing Scale (Libra Sign) – for justice. I know this word is too technical to use for a very light situation, but I can’t seem to find any word that should be lighter than that. Of course, every victim is in thirst for justice, but not every victim is capable of reaching that. I, myself have been a victim of storms and thunders many times in life. I was judged without being investigated. Though, I wasn’t weak, I was just not strong enough to fight back.

Sword – is for revenge. Vengeance is God’s and I am not in any position to make any revenge at all. I just always keep in mind that God punish all the bad and pour the good ones with full of blessings. I can’t curse anyone, but I can pray to God to curse someone who is worth cursing for. That’s how this sword embrace me whenever someone is dragging me down.

Chain ball – is for suffer. Many and almost everyone of us have suffered a lot in life. We just have our unique stories. This one keeps me strong as it reminds me how I’ve been through. Whenever I’m near to giving up, it knocks my conscience and makes me remember the worst happening in my life; that nothing could be worse than that, that’s why there’s no reason to give up.

I know how most of the people would think with woman or man who have tattoos. For me, having tattoos doesn’t make me any of a bad person (I have three, by the way!), I don’t care how other people thinks of me, if they can’t stand my personality, they’re free to go. They were never invited in the first place. I live to please God alone.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

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Sound of Heart

I know that one day, I will find someone who would stick to his promise that he would never hurt me the way I was hurt before. That no matter what happens, he would always make me smile because it makes his day.
One day, that someone would be very proud to introduce me to his family and make me feel as if I’m one of them like what I do to him.
He would be proud to post our pictures to his facebook page and show the world how happy he is because I am his girl.
That even if I am at my worst, he would love and understand me the same even in my craziest because he understand that I only want his attention, I mean full attention and importance.
I would one of his priorities and will never fail to make me feel special even in his smallest and simple ways.
He would never make me feel that my life is a fiasco and I will have a better future because he’s there to help me rise as I do the same for him.
I know that one day, that someone will show respect in me even if I don’t deserve to be respected.
Never will he make me feel that I am a total failure to his life because he love me more than anything else.
That no matter how much he suffers, he would take it because he simply wants to make me happy.
He would always tell I am beautiful even when I’m wearing the most incredible clothes in the world.
Will always make me feel that I am the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with like what he always says and prove it to me every single day and that one day, I will carry his last name as we build our forever.
Someone who would be willing to cross all the bridges even if it means walking upside down just to make me feel how much he is willing to sacrifice for our relationship.
That he would always be consistent at all times and not just when I give a clue that I feel so neglected.
That gentleman would never make think that he have regrets of getting into this relationship.
Never will he ever think that he’s being held tight by this thing we have.
In times of loss, he would never make me feel that it was only my fault and will let me know that he never regrets any loss because he was happy.
Never he will make me feel insulted in whichever way.
All I need is someone, someone who would love me unconditionally.

It may sound that I’m looking for a perfect gentlement, but really.. All I want is someone would love me, appreciate me, give me importance and respect me no matter what happens.